Carnie

Remember when I found out Carnie Wilson and I were due around the same time?

Turns out we had c-sections on the same day.

Strange.

As The Dust Settles

I knew enough going into this that everything wasn't going to go
according to plan. However, that didn't stop me from hoping that
SOMETHING would go according to plan. In my better moments I remember
that I have this beautiful baby boy... and that was the plan... and
NOTHING else matters. Really, he's beautiful, and it's hard to feign
modesty. I stare at him for hours. There are no words for how deeply
I have fallen in love with him.

I'm healing rather nicely from the c section. My last night in the
hospital I was terrified to come home. I could barely get out of bed,
let alone take care of a baby, never mind getting out of bed to take
care of a baby. Soon enough though I could get out of bed, and now I
can even sleep on my side - which even a week ago felt like it was
never going to happen again. I'm still sore though, and have an
interesting numb band of skin across my belly, and can't for the life
of me understand why anyone would CHOOSE to have a section... but
there you have it. The good news is that I've been assured I'm a
great candidate for a VBAC because the largest deciding factor was
that he was breech.

Lots of people like to tell me how safe breech births are, how they
were breech, or their baby was breech, and how I should have at least
tried to do it, how they should have let me do it... Whatever. I'm
totally confident I made the right decision. I feel the OB explained
everything to me in the most neutral manner possible. He assured me
that breech births are much safer than they sound, and that he would
gladly support me if I wanted to try a vaginal delivery. He also
assured me that a c section was going to be much safer for the baby
with my particular constellation of circumstances. Even my midwives
felt that a c section was the safest route, and if anyone was going to
discourage me from a c section it would be them. So yes, maybe I
could have had him vaginally, but after all this time I wanted what
was safest for The Little Dude. I would have never forgiven myself if
I'd tried and something had happened. I'd waited far too long to
gamble at the last moment.

Even more disappointing than the c section is that I'm no longer
breastfeeding. He lost weight at the beginning, to be expected of
course. Then he lost more and hit that magical 10% loss where
everyone starts to worry. So a plan was made to boost supply (though
NOBODY thought that was the problem) and his consumption. Then he
gained a little. Then the plan started making me miserable and I
questioned whether this was going to work or not.

If you've been with me a while, you may remember my breast reduction I
scheduled when I accepted that I'd never become pregnant and we were
going to adopt our children. When I had that surgery I knew I may
never be able to breastfeed, but getting pregnant seemed so unlikely
that I told myself that if I was every lucky enough to get pregnant
I'd be so thrilled to actually have a baby that I wouldn't even be
worried about breastfeeding. It's true. I'm sad, but I'm so over it.
When my midwife came back to weigh him one Monday morning and we
found out he'd lost 4 more ounces over the weekend I was devastated.
The plan wasn't working and my baby was wasting away. So we made a
new plan, but the more I thought about the new plan the more miserable
and anxious I became. So together we decided to formula feed.

Everyone, with few exceptions, has been really supportive - even
knowing how much I was looking forward to breastfeeding. Of course,
more than breastfeeding, I was looking forward to watching my son grow
and thrive... which he was not doing while I was breastfeeding. He's
gaining great now though, should regain his birth weight soon, and
will be fitting these 'newborn' clothes before long.

A healthy baby was the only part of the plan that mattered.

Um, and I don't know what else. Hopefully we'll settle into a routine
and I'll post more often, but in the meantime just know that I'm the
happiest me I've ever been.

Today Is The Day

So The Little Dude, is upside down, or right side up rather... and the safest course of action at this point is a c-section. Not my preferred delivery method, of course, but all things considered... it's the right way to go. Today I officially become someone's mom. Wow.

38w2d

• blood pressure too high - got to go to hosp for an eval
• cervix starting to soften
• fingertip dilated
  
• despite being elbow deep the midwife couldn't reach to do a stretch and sweep
• will tell more when i know more
  

36 weeks

Wow. So here I am. 36 weeks. Crazy.

He kicks and punches, rolls and kicks, and I'm not sick of it. Not one bit. People told me I'd get sick of it, that the novelty would wear off... but it hasn't. I love each and every movement, even when they are uncomfortable, I still love it.

I'm off work already because of elevated blood pressure. I never actually creeped into PIH territory, but it was a close call. I seem to be doing better now, which just seems obvious now that I don't have to deal with any BS at work and can take naps anytime I want. We thought for sure my PIH would turn into pre-E, and my midwives doubted I'd make it full term... we were just hoping for 35 weeks. But with no PIH after weeks of monitoring the pre-E seems much less of a certainty and now I'll probably go overdue!

The shower was great, we've got loads of stuff now, and I've bought just about everything else we need to make it through the first couple weeks. I haven't unpacked any of it yet. It's still sitting together in the dining room waiting for... I dunno. Waiting for me to realize that it's not all going back to the store, and I'm actually going to need it. We should also probably set up the nursery. Just a thought...

The hospital bags are about 90% packed. I've just got to wash his coming home outfit and some other things for him to wear. I can't make other people understand why doing a load of baby laundry is so hard... it just is.

I'll have to remember to take a belly picture for you. You aren't going to believe it!

29 weeks

So, um, oops! I didn't mean to leave you all hanging.

All is well. The little boy is measuring just a little ahead but
nothing to be concerned about. I feel him kicking and flipping all
the time. It's really the most amazing thing.

I'm tired and sore, but nothing too serious.

No major drama... knock on wood.

We've actually started buying stuff and acting like normal pregnant
people eagerly awaiting their baby.

My BFF is throwing me a shower in a couple weeks... that should be
interesting. She's very much the cheesy shower game type... and I am
decidedly not. Can't we all just get together and eat? Must we guess
which chocolate bar has been melted into a diaper?

Most days it just feels unreal.

I can't believe there's a baby in there.

20 week update

So I've passed the halfway mark.  It's amazing and crazy and unreal.

 

Speaking of unreal... I'm going to have a son!  A son!

 

Speaking of unreal... I've already started making colostrum.  Which is a huge relief because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breastfeed after lopping off half my boobs, but now it looks like I actually stand a chance.  Hooray for boobies!!

 

Other than that I've just been dealing with inflamed SI joints and a migraine that just won't quit.

 

All is well, as far as I know.

All's Well

I feel like I have nothing to say.
That's maybe a bit boring.
Though I suppose boring is good.

We heard the heartbeat again.
No protein in my urine.
BP good.
Minimal weight gain.
Big ultrasound at the end of the month.

I keep waiting for bad news.

I spotted at 6 weeks, I spotted at 12 weeks, next week is week 18 so
I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for spotting then too.

I'll keep you posted.