Pissing Off The Pregnant Lady

Let's pretend I work on the Starship Enterprise, shall we?

Because of the whole fake miscarriage, Picard and Riker both knew I
was pregnant and both had promised not to tell anyone till I was
ready.

Today as Picard and I were discussing my preliminary plans for my
maternity leave I knew that Data had overheard. So, full of the
confidence inspiring ultrasound last week, I decided I'd spill the
beans at work. So I printed out a picture of the ultrasound and left
it on my desk to be found by the first observant man to walk by.

It took 4 guys to walk by it repeatedly before the 5th actually
noticed, by the way.

Then of course there was a flurry of congratulations and inquiries on
my general well being. Data did the math, calculated when I would be
due and then made a joke about how much of the project would be
complete by then. A purposeful dig at Wesley, poor Wesley. He
laughed anyway. Then Data confessed that Worf had told him that in
case he wasn't here.

Meaning Worf knew. And Worf was talking about it with Data. And
jokes were involved.
I'm pretty sure that Picard told Worf, and while I'm not that
impressed with that, I can get over it.
But Worf telling Data? Not cool Worf. Not cool.

13w2d update

So last week we had an ultrasound. I think the baby is measuring a
couple days off, but nothing I'm worried about. What's 2mm between
friends? I got to see the head and spine and arms and legs and
heartbeat and eye sockets and just all around be relieved that the
baby is alive. I'd had more spotting last week, dark and brown.
Scary shit. But the week ended on a high note, so who's to complain?

Today we got to hear the woosh woosh woosh woosh. It was amazing.
Not quite as amazing as seeing it on the ultrasound a few days before,
but still amazing. Pretty soon I may have to start believing that
there's actually a baby in there.

Despite gaining practically no weight I'm in full on maternity pant
mode. In fact for the next 6 months I may wear a t-shirt that says
"No, it's not twins, but thanks so much for asking!" My midwives
aren't concerned about my weight at all. In fact they aren't even
tracking it. How much does that rock? I'm tracking it myself, of
course. I feel my empty stomach, empty bladder, no clothes method is
much more reliable anyway.

Aside from that there isn't much to tell you. All is well... and
sometimes, that's enough.

Due Date Club - Update 2

So I called Jennifer Meyer. She's due earlier than me though, so I guess it wasn't a total win.

And one I totally did not predict Dooce!

9w4d Midwife Appt 1

I met my back up midwife today.  She's really nice.  I like her.  I hope I like my primary midwife just as much.

She did most of the talking really, explaining midwifery to us.  No peeing in cups, no stepping on scales, no blood pressure cuff... just a lot of chatting.

We were asked if we wanted to do first trimester genetic screening.  We said yes.  I know we're very low risk as it is, but having a piece of paper telling us we're low risk would be very reassuring.  And if something was wrong we would want to know that ahead of time.  Honestly though, the primary reason we decided to have the screening was a chance to see the baby.

I've updated my sidebar with all the upcoming important dates, just in case you wanted to mark your calendars or something.

Due Date Club - Update 1

So I was wondering who my celebrity due date buddies would be and so far I've got Carnie Wilson and the pregnant "man".

 

I'd like to guess about two more potential due date buddies - Isla Fischer and Jennifer Meyer.

Probably won't start with an avalanche of announcements till the holiday season anyway.

You never did tell me who you were guessing about...

Wow

Some stories are best told starting from the end.

Opinion: Single live intrauterine gestation at 7 weeks, 2 days plus or minus 6 days.

And then really, how much more of the story do you need?

I went to the ER last night with some pains in my side, was given a few scary options about what it could be and between the pain, my low blood pressure and the white blood cells in my urine the Dr didn't want to send me home without an ultrasound... which they could do for me in the morning. Sigh. The night passed, morning came, and after the longest most painful vaginal ultrasound ever the sonographer eventually found my baby and it's little beating heart hiding at the top of my uterus. They're pretty sure the pain is from a mild bladder infection and a raging case of Google.

The baby is measuring 5 days behind, which coincidently was how far behind it was on the last ultrasound. It's consistent so I'm not going to worry too much. Although I'm fairly certain which day I ovulated and know for sure which days we had sex, I suppose it's possible that everything happened later than I thought.

So this pregnancy is back on folks. The happiest I've ever been about being wrong.

Still rising, but not enough

7w4d beta 45k ish

So it's still going up, just not as quickly as one would hope.

Which means we still don't know anything, and I need to get an ultrasound next week.

Did I mention that the spotting stopped?

No news is... good news?

I saw my family Doctor on Monday.  He's being very optimistic.  He thinks it was just too early, and that we shouldn't worry they couldn't see the heartbeat... or the baby at 6w4d.  Ultrasounds are VERY unreliable.  Really, at this point beta's are more valuable. Whatever.

I can understand my doctor wanting to verify everything before we do something to hasten the miscarriage, but I just can't take his constant reassurance that this may not be as bad as it sounds.  I'm fairly certain it's over... and now I have to deal with my hopeful husband.  Poor guy.  This means he's going to have to deal with this same loss twice.  Plus I'm having to battle his optimism with my realism/pessimism... and boy, that's fun!

Anyway, here are the facts

4w6d beta 961
6w1d spotting starts
6w3d beta 20k ish
6w4d u/s no fetal heartbeat or fetal pole
7w2d beta 40k ish

So yes, the beta's are rising but s.....l.....o.....w.....l.....y.

Also, every single one of my pregnancy symptoms are gone.  Fatigue, gone.  Food aversions, gone.  Sick feeling before breakfast, gone.  Bloat, gone.  Breast tenderness, gone.  Actual expectation of a June baby, gone.

I have another beta tomorrow (7w4d), and from there we will decide on a plan of action.  If it's gone up then I'll have another ultrasound next week.  If it's gone down... who knows.  More waiting most likely.  Which is great really, because I was wondering if there was a way to drag this out even longer.

Okay

People keep asking me how I am... if I want anything... if I need
anything... if there's anything they can do for me... do I need some
company?

It's kind of strange really, because I feel fine. Not in a numb sort
of way, but I think I've accepted this pretty quickly. I had my cry.
Okay, I had several yesterday. The not knowing, the fear and the
dread were far worse for me than the knowing. Sure it's not fair, but
very little is. If the past 5 years have taught me anything it's to
expect unfair things to happen.

The miscarriage of a first pregnancy is very common. Anembryonic
pregnancies are also common. The only thing that was uncommon here
was me actually ovulating, and then getting pregnant. So really...
it's not like I got some extra special bad luck. I actually had some
really good luck, and then some regular old luck. It's just the way
things go.

It's sad, and I'm sad about it. It's unfair, and I'm upset about it.
But really, I'm okay about it.

I don't understand it though. I don't understand why something I want
so badly just can't happen for me. Wanting to be a mom is something
so simple, so basic... I'm not crazy for wanting it. I shouldn't have
to try this hard. I should haven't to get this beaten down.

Last Christmas we were told we'd been chosen to adopt a little boy and
before you could even yell Hooray we were told that he was going to go
live with an aunt again. I compared it to a miscarriage... and I now
know I was pretty close. I almost think that hurt worse though,
because I expect my body to fail me but I didn't expect the adoption
process to fail me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog once the miscarriage
is over, but it hasn't really started yet (how annoying) so I've got
some time to think about it.

Seriously, not there

So after getting the run around and finally resorting to crying out
"I'm just trying to find out if my baby is alive or not!" someone
pulled some stings and got my results to a Dr STAT.

The very nice clinic Dr came in and told me she was sorry. She let me
see the report. Sac, no fetal pole. She hugged me when I cried and
tried to tell me it was going to be ok. Another ultrasound in 2
weeks, I may need a D&C.

Doogie's office reopens on Monday. I'll go see him then.

The cramps have started already. And the spotting, while still brown
is now increasing.

Our hearts are breaking. It's too unfair.

I love you all for being hopeful, but hope has left the building.

Not there

"Here's the sac, but I can't see the baby in there." She says in a
voice way too chipper to deliver such bad news.

6w3d?

So there was more brown today. And some cramping.
Left work early, husband took me to Urgent Care.
BHCG today.
U/S tomorrow - noon - to rule out ectopic.
Repeat BHCG Thursday.

Ectopic. Fabulous.
That's what I need... to lose a tube.

Brown

I thought I saw something yesterday, but I wasn't quite sure. I
decided to go to bed early and pretend it never happened.

But just now it was there. It was so there.

Ugh... I know that there's lots of normal reasons to have this happen
in the first trimester (I'm 6w2d) but of course I can only think of
one.

Of course all I can think of is that this is what I get for tempting
fate by being too cocky to go to the adoption conference yesterday.

Buddy Up

So I grudgingly joined my first due date group. I'm trying hard to
fit in, I'm trying hard to participate but it's hard. What do I have
in common with women expecting their 4th, pulling out their maternity
clothes before they even have a beta number?

I wonder what it would be like to be sharing this with someone. My
best friend is about 6 months ahead of me, and it's her 4th, so our
perspectives are different. I have another friend who's surrogate is
a couple weeks ahead of me, but it's her surro who's pregnant, not
her, so there's only so much I can talk about my fatigue and bloat
before I worry that I'm rubbing her nose in the fact that she's not
tired and too fat for her jeans. I have yet another friend who's only
about a week ahead of me, but this is an oops pregnancy, and her
second so while we can commiserate on our symptoms she's been there
before. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be sharing this with a friend,
while she prepares for her first pregnancy too. There's a lot to be
said for the advice and experience my mom friends can give me, but
that doesn't stop me from wishing that I had another excited rookie to
share this with.

I wonder, too, what celebrities I'm going to share my due date with.
My guess right now is... um... I have no good guesses. Halle Berry,
maybe? What are your guesses? Who do you think will be due mid to
late June?

5w2d - Dr appt

"So congratulations! I just got your results back and you're
pregnant." He slowly processes the looks on our faces and offers:
"But you knew that."

"Yes"

"The numbers are good, it looks like you're about 3 weeks."

"But I'm 5 weeks 2 days. I was 4 weeks 6 days when I had the draw done."

"When was your last period?"

"September 13th."

"And did you do the math and figure out when you're due?"

"June 20th."

"Let me just check you did that math right." He pulls out his spinny
thingie. Dude, I have the INTERNET! "Yep, June 20th. So that makes
you..."

"5 weeks 2 days."

"5 weeks 2 days." He agrees.

Boy am I glad we got all that settled. Now what was all that about
only being 3 weeks?

He takes my blood pressure, asks me how I'm feeling, weighs me,
quizzes me on vitamins and names all the food groups for me.

Um, that 3 week thing?

He writes me up a req for more blood work, Syphilis, HIV, Rubella,
another beta, the works.

"So, no early ultrasound?"

He launches into how they can't really see anything. Except for the
fact that it's there, I point out. He tells me they wouldn't even be
able to see the heartbeat yet blah blah blah how the hormones mean
more to us now than an ultrasound blah blah blah. 11 weeks is better
blah blah blah. Dude, remember? I HAVE THE INTERNET! But at this
point I'm convinced this isn't going to last. 3 WEEKS? That is so
not good. I'm so screwed. I'm not even going to make it to 11 weeks.
I ask what the number is. 961. I write it down.

He tells me to come back in three weeks and um, I'm going to need a
pap. He's totally cool with me using the midwives though, and to let
him know in 3 weeks if they are taking me or not, and in the meantime the sooner I go for the bloodwork the sooner I can call to hear about
my rising hormones.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

It isn't until we get in the car and I totally flip out that I realize
that he MUST be talking 3 weeks after conception, not 3 weeks
pregnant. Because no-one has a beta of 961 when they are only 3 weeks
pregnant. My husband is totally confused at this point and needs to
know why they count the first 2 weeks of your cycle and I'm barely
even caring because YAY! this isn't as bad as I thought.

Comparing my number to the ones in betabase.com I realize that I'm
better than average for 20dpo. BETTER. HA!

So really, I'm going to try to calm down and pretend like I'm normal.
Which I'm not, for the record.

Also today, according to ivf.ca -- cardiac contractions started today. Yay!

Blank

I came upstairs today and went to look at the three pregnancy tests I
took (all lined up on the bookshelf) and got a sinking feeling. The
lines on the cheap tests have all but faded and the battery has died
in the digital test. All concrete evidence of this pregnancy is gone.
It's strange. Like it's not even happening at all. I know it
doesn't mean anything, but it was depressing all the same.

5w1d

Nothing new to report.

Today my pants are falling off, yesterday I couldn't bear to do them
up. Not sure what's up with that... I bought some elastic waist
jeans today (sexy) because I just couldn't bring myself to walk into
the maternity store at 5 weeks.

I think my breasts have finally started to get bigger and are maybe a
little tender, but nothing earth shattering. I have heartburn, but I
was diagnosed with reflux earlier this year. Even though I've been
able to control it for months without medication it doesn't mean much
to me. Still no morning sickness, but some manageable food aversions.
I alternate between constipation and diarrhea. Aside from being
extremely fatigued though, I wouldn't even feel pregnant. I'm too
smart to wish for morning sickness, but some other sign would be good.

I see Doogie tomorrow and have to convince him to send me for an early
ultrasound. There's no way I could wait till 18 weeks.

Oh Hai! I iz pregnunt. How dat happen?

So let's pretend you remember that I have PCOS and IR and tried 3
doctors, 6 cycles of Clomid, 3 cycles of Femara, sometimes Metformin,
sometimes not... all day 21 bloodwork showed no ovulation. "Sorry you
didn't ovulate, here take this Provera and then take more drugs.
Let's up your dosage!" By the time we were forced to step it up and
head to the fertility clinic I'd been fighting this losing battle with
my body for years and I was D-O-N-E!

We'd been talking about adoption for sometime and decided that was the
way we wanted to go now. We knew there was more we could have done to
get pregnant... we just didn't feel like it anymore. So we fought a
losing battle to adopt for years too. Multiple hurdles later we
thought we'd finally made it last fall, and then rug was pulled out
from under us. We were devastated. I know I will think of him as my
lost son forever. It was as close to a miscarriage as I thought you
could get, only with a living breathing child that someone else got to
keep, so that much worse. We applied for more kids in the spring,
heard nothing. I got bored waiting for the next fall when we could
apply again for more kids...

...so...

There was some expired Femara and some not expired Clomid in the back
of my night table drawer. I decided that maybe it might work if I
used it right off of BCP which I'd never done. So I took 2 months of
BCP back to back and then tossed a coin and took the expired Femara.
I didn't bother temping, I half-heartedly monitored my CM and we, um,
didn't cover the bases very well. I "knew" it wasn't going to work,
because it had never worked before. I wasn't on Metformin, I was my
heaviest ever and it was expired for Pete's sake! Then one day I
started spotting. Huh? Two days later I got my period. Double what?
I counted back two weeks and oh yeah... there was that pain in my
side... and what probably was EWCM... and my boobs were sore after
that. Doh! I ovulated CD21 and missed it!!! But really... what the
hell? What if I was always ovulating on CD21? Of course the CD21
bloodwork wasn't going to show ovulation. Then I was really angry,
because I wondered how many times I'd ovulated but they'd called the
cycle off and told me to take Provera. Could I have had a 4 year old
by now?

I decided that I was going to take the Clomid next, since it was going
to be a while till I could fit a clinic cycle into my schedule. I
hoped that whatever the Femara had done the Clomid could do. So I
took the Clomid and calculated the ovulation date, testing date, and
due date if all went well with the cycle. Much to my amazement I had
EWCM on CD14! W? T? F? I was sick as sick could be but I knew I had
to take one for the team. So we did our best. I had more EWCM and
stabbing abdominal pain on CD15, so I took another for the team. And
then I waited...

You'd think after waiting over 5 years I'd be good at the waiting, no?
CD28 there was no spotting, and I was tired. That was all I had to
go on. I figured I was pregnant or didn't ovulate, either way there
was no period coming so I'd better test. We bought the cheap drug
store brand and at 4:30 the next morning I woke up to pee. Which I
interpreted as another good sign because I almost always make it
through the night. I peed on that stick, like a rookie, like someone
who'd never peed on a stick before. I wanted to believe I was
pregnant, but knew I probably wasn't. I watched the urine seep
through the first window and saw that horizontal line, when it went
through the second window and I saw the vertical line I put the test
down. "It's not over." I sighed to myself. "The test says to wait
two minutes, and you'd be early yet. Chill!" When I looked down
again I was sure there was a line there that hadn't been there before.
Yes! Yes! It was there. I ran to wake my sleeping husband, he
blinked in the light, put on his glasses and took the test. "I think
I see it." Not good enough. I ran to take a picture, my friend in NZ
would still be awake. She looked and told me it was totally a line.

And that's how I got pregnant.

I took the other test the next day and got a stronger line. I took a
digital test the day after that. PREGNANT!

So between 3 positive tests, my fatigue, my food aversions and my
bloat... I'm pregnant.

4w5d

I go for my beta tomorrow, see Doogie on Monday (hopefully tricking
him into scheduling me for an early ultrasound), and should know in a
couple weeks if the local midwife practice will take me (though they
don't see you till 10 weeks).

It's amazing. It's crazy. It's so hard to believe.
But it's actually happening.