Okay

People keep asking me how I am... if I want anything... if I need
anything... if there's anything they can do for me... do I need some
company?

It's kind of strange really, because I feel fine. Not in a numb sort
of way, but I think I've accepted this pretty quickly. I had my cry.
Okay, I had several yesterday. The not knowing, the fear and the
dread were far worse for me than the knowing. Sure it's not fair, but
very little is. If the past 5 years have taught me anything it's to
expect unfair things to happen.

The miscarriage of a first pregnancy is very common. Anembryonic
pregnancies are also common. The only thing that was uncommon here
was me actually ovulating, and then getting pregnant. So really...
it's not like I got some extra special bad luck. I actually had some
really good luck, and then some regular old luck. It's just the way
things go.

It's sad, and I'm sad about it. It's unfair, and I'm upset about it.
But really, I'm okay about it.

I don't understand it though. I don't understand why something I want
so badly just can't happen for me. Wanting to be a mom is something
so simple, so basic... I'm not crazy for wanting it. I shouldn't have
to try this hard. I should haven't to get this beaten down.

Last Christmas we were told we'd been chosen to adopt a little boy and
before you could even yell Hooray we were told that he was going to go
live with an aunt again. I compared it to a miscarriage... and I now
know I was pretty close. I almost think that hurt worse though,
because I expect my body to fail me but I didn't expect the adoption
process to fail me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog once the miscarriage
is over, but it hasn't really started yet (how annoying) so I've got
some time to think about it.