Okay

People keep asking me how I am... if I want anything... if I need
anything... if there's anything they can do for me... do I need some
company?

It's kind of strange really, because I feel fine. Not in a numb sort
of way, but I think I've accepted this pretty quickly. I had my cry.
Okay, I had several yesterday. The not knowing, the fear and the
dread were far worse for me than the knowing. Sure it's not fair, but
very little is. If the past 5 years have taught me anything it's to
expect unfair things to happen.

The miscarriage of a first pregnancy is very common. Anembryonic
pregnancies are also common. The only thing that was uncommon here
was me actually ovulating, and then getting pregnant. So really...
it's not like I got some extra special bad luck. I actually had some
really good luck, and then some regular old luck. It's just the way
things go.

It's sad, and I'm sad about it. It's unfair, and I'm upset about it.
But really, I'm okay about it.

I don't understand it though. I don't understand why something I want
so badly just can't happen for me. Wanting to be a mom is something
so simple, so basic... I'm not crazy for wanting it. I shouldn't have
to try this hard. I should haven't to get this beaten down.

Last Christmas we were told we'd been chosen to adopt a little boy and
before you could even yell Hooray we were told that he was going to go
live with an aunt again. I compared it to a miscarriage... and I now
know I was pretty close. I almost think that hurt worse though,
because I expect my body to fail me but I didn't expect the adoption
process to fail me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog once the miscarriage
is over, but it hasn't really started yet (how annoying) so I've got
some time to think about it.

Seriously, not there

So after getting the run around and finally resorting to crying out
"I'm just trying to find out if my baby is alive or not!" someone
pulled some stings and got my results to a Dr STAT.

The very nice clinic Dr came in and told me she was sorry. She let me
see the report. Sac, no fetal pole. She hugged me when I cried and
tried to tell me it was going to be ok. Another ultrasound in 2
weeks, I may need a D&C.

Doogie's office reopens on Monday. I'll go see him then.

The cramps have started already. And the spotting, while still brown
is now increasing.

Our hearts are breaking. It's too unfair.

I love you all for being hopeful, but hope has left the building.

Not there

"Here's the sac, but I can't see the baby in there." She says in a
voice way too chipper to deliver such bad news.

6w3d?

So there was more brown today. And some cramping.
Left work early, husband took me to Urgent Care.
BHCG today.
U/S tomorrow - noon - to rule out ectopic.
Repeat BHCG Thursday.

Ectopic. Fabulous.
That's what I need... to lose a tube.

Brown

I thought I saw something yesterday, but I wasn't quite sure. I
decided to go to bed early and pretend it never happened.

But just now it was there. It was so there.

Ugh... I know that there's lots of normal reasons to have this happen
in the first trimester (I'm 6w2d) but of course I can only think of
one.

Of course all I can think of is that this is what I get for tempting
fate by being too cocky to go to the adoption conference yesterday.

Buddy Up

So I grudgingly joined my first due date group. I'm trying hard to
fit in, I'm trying hard to participate but it's hard. What do I have
in common with women expecting their 4th, pulling out their maternity
clothes before they even have a beta number?

I wonder what it would be like to be sharing this with someone. My
best friend is about 6 months ahead of me, and it's her 4th, so our
perspectives are different. I have another friend who's surrogate is
a couple weeks ahead of me, but it's her surro who's pregnant, not
her, so there's only so much I can talk about my fatigue and bloat
before I worry that I'm rubbing her nose in the fact that she's not
tired and too fat for her jeans. I have yet another friend who's only
about a week ahead of me, but this is an oops pregnancy, and her
second so while we can commiserate on our symptoms she's been there
before. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be sharing this with a friend,
while she prepares for her first pregnancy too. There's a lot to be
said for the advice and experience my mom friends can give me, but
that doesn't stop me from wishing that I had another excited rookie to
share this with.

I wonder, too, what celebrities I'm going to share my due date with.
My guess right now is... um... I have no good guesses. Halle Berry,
maybe? What are your guesses? Who do you think will be due mid to
late June?

5w2d - Dr appt

"So congratulations! I just got your results back and you're
pregnant." He slowly processes the looks on our faces and offers:
"But you knew that."

"Yes"

"The numbers are good, it looks like you're about 3 weeks."

"But I'm 5 weeks 2 days. I was 4 weeks 6 days when I had the draw done."

"When was your last period?"

"September 13th."

"And did you do the math and figure out when you're due?"

"June 20th."

"Let me just check you did that math right." He pulls out his spinny
thingie. Dude, I have the INTERNET! "Yep, June 20th. So that makes
you..."

"5 weeks 2 days."

"5 weeks 2 days." He agrees.

Boy am I glad we got all that settled. Now what was all that about
only being 3 weeks?

He takes my blood pressure, asks me how I'm feeling, weighs me,
quizzes me on vitamins and names all the food groups for me.

Um, that 3 week thing?

He writes me up a req for more blood work, Syphilis, HIV, Rubella,
another beta, the works.

"So, no early ultrasound?"

He launches into how they can't really see anything. Except for the
fact that it's there, I point out. He tells me they wouldn't even be
able to see the heartbeat yet blah blah blah how the hormones mean
more to us now than an ultrasound blah blah blah. 11 weeks is better
blah blah blah. Dude, remember? I HAVE THE INTERNET! But at this
point I'm convinced this isn't going to last. 3 WEEKS? That is so
not good. I'm so screwed. I'm not even going to make it to 11 weeks.
I ask what the number is. 961. I write it down.

He tells me to come back in three weeks and um, I'm going to need a
pap. He's totally cool with me using the midwives though, and to let
him know in 3 weeks if they are taking me or not, and in the meantime the sooner I go for the bloodwork the sooner I can call to hear about
my rising hormones.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

It isn't until we get in the car and I totally flip out that I realize
that he MUST be talking 3 weeks after conception, not 3 weeks
pregnant. Because no-one has a beta of 961 when they are only 3 weeks
pregnant. My husband is totally confused at this point and needs to
know why they count the first 2 weeks of your cycle and I'm barely
even caring because YAY! this isn't as bad as I thought.

Comparing my number to the ones in betabase.com I realize that I'm
better than average for 20dpo. BETTER. HA!

So really, I'm going to try to calm down and pretend like I'm normal.
Which I'm not, for the record.

Also today, according to ivf.ca -- cardiac contractions started today. Yay!